The cruise you would actually enjoy
Most people who say they hate cruising have been on one ship, once, and it was the wrong ship. Six thousand passengers and a waterslide is a different product from a hundred and eighty guests and a zodiac, and they share almost nothing but the word. Picking the ship correctly is nine-tenths of this, and it is the part a booking site is worst at.
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What decides whether you enjoy it
Almost none of it is the itinerary. The ports are a list anybody can read; the things that actually shape the fortnight are harder to see from a brochure.
The ship, then the itinerary — in that order
The same Mediterranean route is a completely different holiday on a 3,000-guest ship and a 600-guest one: different dinner times, different dress, different age, different ports because the small ship can dock where the large one anchors. Choose the ship you want to spend fourteen days on and then look at where it goes.
"All-inclusive" means six different things
On some lines it is genuinely everything — flights, drinks, gratuities, excursions, the transfer. On others it is the fare and nothing else, and the on-board account at the end is a surprise. I will show you the real cost of two fares side by side rather than the headline, because the cheaper one is frequently the more expensive one.
Where the cabin is changes the trip
Forward cabins move most in a swell, cabins under the pool deck hear chairs at six in the morning, and the aft suites everyone wants have the wake and the quiet. On a small ship the deck matters less and the position matters more. This is knowable in advance and it is the single most common regret afterwards.
Expedition is not luxury cruising with penguins
Antarctica, the Arctic and the Galápagos are trips where the ship is transport and the day is decided by weather and ice. Fewer guests means more zodiac landings; an ice class and a good expedition team mean more days you actually get off. If you want turndown service and a spa on the same trip, some ships genuinely do both — and some emphatically do not.
Vegetarian and Jain food is arranged, not requested
Every line will feed you; the difference is whether it is thought about or improvised. Specified at booking and confirmed with the ship weeks before sailing, it is excellent. Mentioned at the first dinner, it is a fortnight of steamed vegetables.
Most shore excursions are worse than the alternative
The ship's coach tour is safe, slow and shared with two hundred people. A private guide for the day usually costs less than two ship excursions and is a different experience entirely — but the ship's version has one real advantage, which is that the ship waits for it. Which matters depends on the port, and I will tell you which is which.
What we book, and who it suits
Named honestly, including who each one is wrong for.
Small-ship luxury
Under a thousand guests, suites throughout, most things included. Best for people who want the ship to be the hotel.
- ◆Silversea and Seabourn — all-suite, high crew ratio, strong on included excursions
- ◆Regent Seven Seas — the most genuinely all-inclusive fares afloat
- ◆Explora Journeys — newer, more design-led, a younger room
- ◆Oceania — smaller ships and the best food at the price
Expedition
Where the point is what you get off the ship to see. Book earliest of anything on this page.
- ◆Antarctica — November to March, from Ushuaia or flying the Drake
- ◆The Arctic and Svalbard, June to August
- ◆Galápagos — a small ship beats a land-based week for most people
- ◆Kimberley and the Russian Far East for people who have done the first three
River
Slow, unpacked once, and the right answer for a group who would find a sea day boring.
- ◆The Douro and the Rhine
- ◆The Danube at Christmas
- ◆The Mekong — Vietnam and Cambodia
- ◆Kerala backwaters for a shorter version of the idea
Big ships, chosen well
For families and for groups who want the choice. Not all of these are the same, and two of them are very good.
- ◆Celebrity and Virgin Voyages — the two large lines most often loved by people who dislike cruising
- ◆Royal Caribbean for teenagers who want something to do at nine at night
- ◆Viking for an adults-only ship at a large-ship price
When to book
Cruise pricing rewards early booking more than almost anything else in travel, and the suites go first on exactly the sailings you want.
- 12–18 months
Antarctica, the Galápagos, and any suite
Expedition ships are small and the seasons are short — Antarctica sells a year and a half out. Suites on the luxury lines go in the first weeks a sailing opens, often to guests already on board the previous one.
- 6–12 months
Most of everything else
Good cabin choice, sensible flights, and the deposit terms are usually gentle — often refundable up to a date I will tell you before you pay.
- 3–6 months
Still fine, less choice
You will get the sailing and possibly not the cabin position, which on a two-week voyage is worth more than most people think.
- Inside 90 days
Where the real deals are, honestly
Lines discount unsold inventory late, and if your dates are flexible this is a genuinely good way to buy. It is a poor way to buy a specific suite on a specific sailing.
What planning it with me involves
I handle
- ◆The ship first — including telling you which ones I would not put you on
- ◆Two or three sailings compared on the REAL cost, not the lead-in fare
- ◆The cabin picked by position, not just by category
- ◆Amenities through preferred-partner programmes — onboard credit, a specialty dinner, sometimes the transfer
- ◆Flights and a night either side, because a same-day connection to a ship is a risk not worth taking
- ◆Dietary requirements specified at booking and confirmed with the ship
- ◆Private guides in the ports where they beat the ship's tour, and honesty about where they do not
- ◆Travellers' details collected properly for the manifest, and my number for the whole trip
I don't
- —Anything on board — that is the ship's, and I will tell you who to ask
- —Selling you a cruise if the answer is that you would not enjoy one
The first conversation and the proposal are free, and cruise fares are the same through me as direct — the difference is which ship you end up on and what comes with the fare.
Questions people ask
I did a cruise once and hated it. Is there any point trying again?+
Tell me which ship and what you hated, and I will tell you honestly whether a different one fixes it. Usually it does — crowds, dinner seatings and the feeling of being processed are all functions of ship size. Occasionally the answer is that cruising is not for you, and I would rather say so than sell you a second one.
Is Antarctica worth it?+
It is the one trip almost nobody regrets, and it is expensive in a way that is worth understanding before you commit. The variables that matter are ship size, whether you fly or sail the Drake Passage, and how many landings the itinerary realistically achieves. I would rather put you on a smaller ship for the same money than a larger one with a better cabin.
What is actually included?+
It depends entirely on the line and it is the question most worth asking. I will put two fares next to each other with the drinks, gratuities, excursions, wifi and transfers priced in, and the ranking often reverses.
Can you handle pure vegetarian or Jain food on board?+
Yes, and it is specified at booking rather than at the first dinner. The luxury lines do this genuinely well when they know in advance; the request needs to reach the ship's provisioning, which happens weeks before sailing, not on embarkation day.
Should we book excursions through the ship?+
Sometimes. The ship's tour has one real advantage — the ship waits for it — which matters in a port with a long drive or a tight all-aboard. Everywhere else a private guide is usually better and often cheaper than two ship tours. I will mark which ports are which.
Tell me what you want the days to feel like
Not the ports — those come later. "We want to be left alone and eat well" and "we want something to do at ten at night" lead to completely different ships, and getting that right is most of the job.
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